I Hate Everyone, Except You Read online

  Shot of Chetley having a martini on a lounge chair in the backyard of a huge house. A handsome, shirtless pool boy is working nearby. Chetley winks to camera.

  CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) But enough about me, at least for now. Let’s talk about Sharnay. Isn’t she pretty? A real natural beauty—if it’s natural to employ three hairstylists, two makeup artists, four wardrobe stylists, and one guy whose sole job it is to apply her liquid eyeliner.

  Montage of assistants holding up dresses, jewelry, shoes, and wigs for Sharnay’s approval.

  CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) In all these years, I’ve only seen her without makeup once. I literally mistook her for the home-health aide who takes care of my 92-year-old grandfather.

  INT. HALLWAY – DAY CUT TO: Sharnay is walking in a bathrobe, hair in a sloppy bun, with her back to camera. CHETLEY comes from around the corner and mistakes her for someone else.

  CHETLEY (CONT’D) (startled and worried) Oh my God, what are you doing here? Is something wrong with Pop-Pop?!? (realizes who she actually is, then awkwardly tries to cover) Oh . . . I mean, Hey! What’s up! Pop pop! Pip pip! See you later, yo!

  INT. FIONA’S OFFICE – DAY

  CHETLEY (V.O.) Yeah, I know. Not my best recovery, but I was scared! Anyway, we were called into Fiona’s office. She’s the producer of the show, as well as a complete and total B. You might assume that a soulless, backstabbing network executive and someone who has worked on a makeover series for almost a decade would have better fashion sense. But you’d be wrong.

  CUT TO:

  FIONA sits on her desk, flipping through some paperwork. She wears thigh-high black boots, skintight black leggings, and a very poufy, high-necked white blouse.

  CHETLEY (V.O.) (CONT’D) Do you see this? Evidently today she’s taking her style inspiration from Keira Knightley. In “Pirates of the Caribbean.” I can’t even.

  FIONA I know the two of you became very close friends of [BLEEP] and [BLEEP] over the years. Well, I’ve got some exciting news. They’ve been fired. And I’ve already received word that they’re suing the network. So, for all intents and purposes, we’re going to consider them dead. (smiles)

  Sharnay and Chetley stare at each other blankly.

  SHARNAY I want [BLEEP]’s parking space.

  CHETLEY I want [BLEEP]’s dressing room.

  SHARNAY I wanted [BLEEP]’s dressing room!

  CHETLEY Well, I wanted [BLEEP]’s parking spot. Trade? Deal.

  FIONA Your compassion is heartwarming.

  CHETLEY (sings in an Ethel Merman voice) There’s no business like show business! (suddenly concerned) (MORE)

  CHETLEY (CONT’D) Are you replacing them? Season ten starts shooting today.

  FIONA Of course. We’ve hired two new hosts.

  SHARNAY Who?

  FIONA I was just about to tell you. The two of you will continue to handle clothes, accessories, and shoes. The new hairstylist is named Juan Carlos Rodriguez and the new makeup artist is Minnie Mai.

  SHARNAY I’ve never heard of them.

  FIONA That’s because they’re new to television. They both write very popular blogs and have huge social media followings.

  CHETLEY Bloggers? Is that what it’s come to?

  SHARNAY Who reads blogs? I’ve never looked at a blog in my life! What kind of word is blog anyway. Blah-g. Blah-g. Blah-g. Sounds like the ladies’ room at the Beverly Hilton after lunch. (mimics vomiting) Blah-g.

  CHETLEY I like the food there.

  SHARNAY It’s not the food, it’s the clientele. (sticks finger in her mouth)

  CHETLEY Oh, a bulimia joke. That’s always in good taste.

  Sharnay sticks out her tongue at Chetley. Chetley thumbs his nose back.

  FIONA When are you two going to grow up? The network has decided to cast bloggers to attract millennials.

  CHETLEY Why on earth would they do that?

  FIONA Because you’re not getting any younger.

  Chetley gasps in horror.

  SHARNAY Ha-ha.

  FIONA I was referring to you also, Sharnay.

  Sharnay gasps in horror.

  CHETLEY Ha-ha.

  FIONA (dryly) Ha-ha. I’m loath to admit that the two of you are safe, at least for the time being. Turns out you’re very much loved by women 18 to 35. For the life of me I can’t figure out why, but apparently my opinion doesn’t matter. Unbeknownst to you, we spent a fortune on extensive market research at the end of last season, conducting focus groups in twelve major cities across America. Sharnay, young women see you as (reads limply from a bound report and uses air quotes) “glamorous,” “inspiring,” and “a good role model.” (rolls eyes) And Chetley, women in the demo see you as “a best friend,” “a favorite gay uncle,” and “the kind of guy you want to have a cosmo with.”

  CHETLEY A cosmo? That’s so 2003. Who the hell do I look like, Cynthia Nixon?

  SHARNAY No, she’s much more butch than you nowadays.

  Sharnay and Chetley mouth the word “lesbian” to each other.

  FIONA (annoyed) I think it’s time for you to meet your new cohosts. They’re waiting in the conference room next door. (speaks into intercom) Diane, please send in Juan Carlos and Minnie. (to Sharnay and Chetley) Did I mention they’re much younger than you?

  MINNIE enters.

  MINNIE Juan Carlos said he’d be right in. I think he’s making a pee-pee. What’s up, bitches! I’m Minnie Mai! Not to be confused with Mini Me! It is so freakin’ amaze-balls to meet you guys! I have been watching this show since I was—I don’t know—twelve. You know, right around puberty, when the boobies really started growing, or not growing in my case. Ha-ha! These are totes fakes. I got C-cups because I didn’t want to look all “Me so horny.” You know what I mean? Me love you long time. I should really S.T.F.U., but I can’t help it. When I get nervous I turn into a racial stereotype. (to Sharnay) O.M.G.! Your hair is gorge! Can I touch? (she touches without waiting for an answer) That’s nice. Silky. Not Chinese because it takes a curl nicely. Probably Indian. Could also be Cambodian hooker.

  Sharnay looks stunned and furious. Chetley is amused.

  DIANE (ON INTERCOM) Juan Carlos is back. I’m sending him in now.

  FIONA Thank you. Let’s stop with the touching. I’m sufficiently repulsed.

  JUAN CARLOS enters.

  Sharnay and Chetley both gasp in surprise. They look at each other with suspicion and quickly cover.

  Fiona and Minnie look at each other and shrug. Juan Carlos smiles.

  CUT TO BLACK.

  END OF ACT ONE.

  ACT TWO INT. FIONA’S OFFICE – DAY

  Chetley, Sharnay, Minnie, and Juan Carlos are seated in Fiona’s office. She is handing out packets of photographs and biographical information, which the hosts peruse.

  CHETLEY (V.O.) Let’s return to our meeting, shall we? Fun.

  FIONA Today you’re making over a woman named Angie Grober. The field team shot her at-home story last week. Mom of nine. Five or six of them are adopted. Cancer survivor. Blah, blah, blah. It’s all in the packet. As you can see from her pictures, she’s tragic. She’s not too fat though, and she has decent bone structure.

  JUAN CARLOS Not too fat? It says here she’s a size six.

  FIONA Like I said, not “too” fat.

  SHARNAY Does she have all her—

  FIONA (interrupting) Yes, Sharnay, she has all her teeth. You don’t have to ask me that every week.

  SHARNAY (confrontational) I’m asking because I don’t want a repeat of season four, when every woman you cast was missing a big-ole toof in the front of her mouth. (to Minnie and Juan Carlos) You can put a girl in an Armani gown, pile ten pounds of extensions on her head, and give her a to-die-for smoky eye. But if she smiles and half her grille is back in Kentucky, all your hard work is for nothing.

  CHETLEY Amen, sister.

  MINNIE We could always get them veneers.

  FIONA This show doesn’t do cosmetic procedures. No cutting, drilling, injecting. Not even Botox. The gu
iding principle of this show is helping a woman’s inner beauty shine outward.

  SHARNAY (sarcastic) As long as she’s not too ugly to begin with. Right, Fiona?

  FIONA Correct. Juan Carlos, do you have any ideas what you’d like to do with her hair?

  JUAN CARLOS I was thinking she might look good as a buttery blonde, with some extra highlights around the face and maybe bangs . . .

  CHETLEY (V.O.) I thought that meeting would never end. Now I can tell you why Sharnay and I gasped when Juan Carlos entered the office.

  DISSOLVE TO: INT. LADIES’ ROOM – DAY Sharnay has been frantically looking for Chetley. She finds him in the ladies’ room.

  SHARNAY I have been looking all over for you! What are you doing in the ladies’ room?

  CHETLEY I was looking for you! Then I got distracted by the fact that there’s potpourri in here. We don’t have potpourri in the men’s room. And I cannot for the life of me figure out what that smell is. (holds bowl up to her nose) Is that peach?

  SHARNAY Get that [BLEEP] out of my face. I need you to spill the beans right now!

  CHETLEY I don’t have any beans.

  SHARNAY You are full of beans! I saw the way you acted when the new guy showed up.

  CHETLEY I saw the way you acted when the new guy showed up.

  SHARNAY I don’t know what you’re talking about.

  CHETLEY I don’t know what you’re talking about.

  SHARNAY Stop repeating everything I say or I am gonna get all Bed-Stuy on your ass.

  CHETLEY Bed-Stuy? As in Bedford Stuyvesant? Brooklyn?

  SHARNAY Yeah, what about it?

  CHETLEY Oh, please. You’re from Toronto. You went to prep school.

  SHARNAY (whining) OK, OK. Just tell me. I need to know what’s up with you and him.

  CHETLEY Fine. I don’t need this to become common knowledge around here, but I’m 99 percent sure I . . . you know . . . fooled around with him.

  SHARNAY Shut. Your. Face!

  CHETLEY It was two years ago, after I got gay divorced.

  SHARNAY I don’t believe you.

  CHETLEY Why not? You don’t believe a guy like me could score a hottie like him?

  SHARNAY I’m sure you could. On a good day.

  CHETLEY Or is it because you don’t believe he’s gay, because let me tell you . . . (sassy) He ain’t that butch.

  SHARNAY Don’t do the black girl thing with your neck. I’ve told you, it’s not cute when you do it. It’s cute when I do it. That’s not what I meant.

  CHETLEY What’s your problem then?

  SHARNAY I think I fooled around with him too.

  CHETLEY Liar!

  SHARNAY I am not!

  CHETLEY You are just saying that to copy me!

  SHARNAY Wrong!

  CHETLEY It’s just like that time last season when I told Fiona I wanted wheatgrass-and-aloe juice for lunch every day. And then you said, “Yes, Fiona, I’ll have that too!”

  SHARNAY We were doing the same juice cleanse, remember? It was your idea.

  CHETLEY Oh, right.

  SHARNAY You kept the weight off.

  CHETLEY Aww, thank you for noticing.

  SHARNAY Look, I’m not yanking your chain. I’m serious. It was the only one-night stand of my life!

  CHETLEY Right. And I’m Cynthia Nixon. (laughs) Like the way I brought her up twice in one day? What are the chances?

  SHARNAY Shush. I’m not kidding. I don’t usually put out so easily. I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong, but I always wait till the third date. Then I will hit it. And I will hit. It. Hard! You know what I’m talkin’ about?

  CHETLEY Please, I’m already nauseous from the potpourri. What happened this time?

  SHARNAY I was in Cabo two winters ago with my friend Sandra. We were having umbrella drinks and she ended up not feeling so well. She had too much sun or something, so she went back to our hotel room. But I stayed and had one more.

  Shot of Sharnay sitting alone at a slightly tacky hotel bar. She is approached by a tall stranger whose face we cannot see.

  SHARNAY (CONT’D) Then this mysterious, supercute guy shows up and asks me to dance. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing I know I’m sneaking out of his room at three a.m.

  Shot of Sharnay, disheveled and shoes in hand, closing a hotel room door behind her.

  SHARNAY (CONT’D) Sandra and I left the next morning, so I never saw him again.

  CHETLEY He never told you his name?

  SHARNAY I didn’t ask.

  CHETLEY I don’t understand why you can’t be sure it’s Juan Carlos.

  SHARNAY He had a mustache!

  CHETLEY A disguise!

  SHARNAY I don’t understand why you can’t be sure.

  CHETLEY He told me his name was Hector.

  SHARNAY An alias!

  CHETLEY Mango!

  SHARNAY What?

  CHETLEY The potpourri is mango.

  SHARNAY You’re a freak.

  INT. CHANGING ROOM SET – DAY

  CUT TO: Sharnay and Chetley are helping their makeover subject, Angie, find the perfect dress. There are racks of clothes all around the room. Angie remains behind a swinging door.

  CHETLEY (V.O.) Later that day, despite our burning curiosity, we had to get to work on our makeover.

  SHARNAY (throws a dress over the top of changing room door) Here, Angie, try this dress. We’ll find one that works. Don’t worry. (looks at Chetley and crosses her fingers

  Minnie enters.

  MINNIE Hey, you guys have a minute?

  CHETLEY Sure. What’s up?

  MINNIE I feel like we got off on the wrong foot this morning. It’s just that I’m a huge fan and I’m so excited to be working with you. Can we be friends? Please?

  SHARNAY Of course. Just don’t touch my hair again, girl.

  CHETLEY That [BLEEP] don’t like to be touched.

  MINNIE Why is it that every time I see the two of you, you’re whispering and telling secrets? I’m starting to get a complex.

  SHARNAY We’re not whispering about you.

  CHETLEY We’re whispering about Juan Carlos.

  MINNIE Total stud, right?

  SHARNAY Did you know him before you got this show?

  ANGIE (peeks head over changing room door) It’s too tight!

  CHETLEY How tight? Like, I-need-Spanx tight or I-need-a-crowbar tight?

  ANGIE I don’t know.

  CHETLEY (rolls eyes) Let me see. (peeks in changing room) OK, so it’s a little too tight. (makes a face to Sharnay to say it’s terrible) We’ll go one size up.

  Sharnay holds up one finger to question “one size up.” Chetley holds up three fingers to indicate three sizes up.

  SHARNAY (to Minnie) So, did you know him?

  MINNIE No, this morning was the first time I met him.

  CHETLEY Do you know if he likes boys?

  SHARNAY Or girls?

  CHETLEY Or both? (throws another dress over the changing room door) Here’s another one.

  MINNIE Oh, I get it. You both have crushes on him. How cute. And a little sad.

  SHARNAY That’s not it. (whispers) We think we may have hooked up with him.

  MINNIE (horrified) At the same time?

  CHETLEY Gross.

  SHARNAY No!

  MINNIE I don’t understand. What do you mean, you “think” you hooked up with him? Why doesn’t someone “know” that kind of thing?

  SHARNAY He had a mustache when he was with me.

  CHETLEY And he told me his name was Hector!

  MINNIE Ohhhh . . . sneaky.

  SHARNAY Shhh.

  Fiona and Juan Carlos enter.

  FIONA Is Angie ready for hair and makeup? We’re almost behind schedule.

  CHETLEY Almost behind schedule? What does that even mean? Either you’re behind schedule or you’re not. That’s like saying you almost won the lottery. Or you almost touched the back of George Stephanopoulos’ neck while he was asleep next to you on the red-eye. But you didn’t becau
se that would be creepy and maybe even illegal.

  SHARNAY She’ll be ready in time, Fiona.

  ANGIE I think this one looks good!

  SHARNAY Let’s see.

  Angie steps out of changing room in a voluminous silver gown.

  SHARNAY (CONT’D) It’s OK. Not perfect. Let’s try something else.

  Angie, dejected, returns to changing room.

  FIONA That dress was lovely. If you have a fetish for stove-top popcorn. Look, I don’t need to remind the two of you that if we go over schedule, we run into tens of thousands of dollars in overtime charges with the crew. I will not tolerate that at all this season. (MORE)

  FIONA (CONT’D) Juan Carlos, hair is up next so, let’s make sure your station is to your liking.

  MINNIE Aw, don’t go yet!

  FIONA Why not?

  MINNIE (scrambling) Juan Carlos has something on his face. I wouldn’t want him to go on TV with an eye booger or anything.

  FIONA I don’t see anything.

  MINNIE (to Juan Carlos) Come here. Shut your eyes.

  Minnie points Juan Carlos’ face toward Sharnay. She takes a piece of her own hair and creates a mustache on Juan Carlos’ face with it. She looks at Sharnay as if to ask if that rings any bells. Sharnay is still unsure.

  FIONA Come on, Juan Carlos. Minnie, I suggest you get your makeup station set up. We shoot makeup after hair.

  MINNIE It’s all set up.

  Fiona and Juan Carlos begin to leave.

  MINNIE (CONT’D) Wait! I feel like we all hardly know each other.

  FIONA (tugging at Juan Carlos) There will be plenty of time to get to know each other in the future. (dryly) Believe me.

  MINNIE Let’s play a game!

  FIONA A what?

  MINNIE A game. The name game! I say a letter and you have to say the first name that pops into your head. It’s hilarious. (points to Chetley) Your letter is “L.” Go!

  CHETLEY Larry.

  MINNIE Yes! (points to Sharnay) “F.” Go!

  SHARNAY Frank!

  MINNIE Great! (points to Juan Carlos) “H.” Go!

  JUAN CARLOS Hector.

  MINNIE Aha! Hector! That’s a good one!

  FIONA Enough! This is a serious television show, Miss Mai, not the inane blog you write. I suggest you start behaving more professionally or your first episode of “You Look Fabulous” will be your last.

  Fiona and Juan Carlos exit.

  ANGIE (peeking out over top of door) Oooh, you in trouble, girl.